“You’re so strong.” It’s a phrase I’ve heard repeatedly since my brother’s unexpected passing in late 2024. But each time, it leaves me feeling uneasy.
Society often portrays strength as resilience without visible emotion – holding everything together and moving forward as if nothing has changed. But true strength, I’ve come to realize, isn’t about suppressing grief. It’s about allowing ourselves to feel, to mourn, and to heal in our own way.
So, what does it really mean to be strong while grieving?
Understanding the Grieving Process: It’s Not Linear
Grief isn’t something that can be boxed into neat little stages, even though we try to make sense of it with models like the Kubler-Ross stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The truth is that grief is messy and unpredictable. Some days, I feel like I can breathe and am living in deep acceptance, and then, out of nowhere, a wave of sadness hits, and I find myself back in the deep end. During those times, I eventually remind myself that it’s okay, it’s normal, and most importantly, it’s needed.
We often expect grief to fit a certain pattern, but it’s rarely so tidy. The model of stages mentioned above might be helpful to some, but it doesn’t capture the ebb and flow, the way grief moves in and out of our lives in unpredictable ways. It was also developed to describe the emotional process of terminally ill patients facing their own mortality, not necessarily the grieving process of those left behind. While the model has been widely applied to general grief experiences, it has faced criticism for oversimplifying what is often a chaotic, non-linear, and deeply individual journey.
More recent theories, like Stroebe and Schut’s Dual Process Model, give us a better understanding of how grief isn’t about going through specific stages but rather balancing the weight of loss with the need to keep living. Grief makes us grievers shift between moments where the pain of grief is all-consuming and others where there is a strong ability to engage with life again. The way we embrace those varying moments can deeply impact our grieving process.
Why Suppressing Grief Can Be Harmful
We’ve all heard it: “Be strong,” “Don’t cry,” or “Time heals all wounds.” Society tends to tell us that suppressing emotions is the way to cope. Isn’t it strange that we are told the opposite of what helps. Crying releases endorphins and oxytocin, while reducing cortisol, helping to alleviate emotional pain, stress, and promote a sense of relief and connection. Yet we are encouraged to move on swiftly to ‘be strong’.
But here’s the thing – holding in grief doesn’t make it go away. Suppressing grief may seem like strength, but it often delays emotional healing. In fact, it often makes it worse in the long run. The more we bottle it up, the more it builds inside us, sometimes showing up in other unexpected and painful ways—anxiety, physical tension, anger, depression, apathy or dissociation. Grief, if not expressed, festers. There’s no timetable for it, and no amount of pretending it’s not there will make it disappear. It’s only by allowing ourselves to feel what’s happening inside that we can begin to heal. It’s not a weakness to cry or to be vulnerable. It’s through this vulnerability that we can learn to find our strength if we can be compassionate with ourselves.
How Vulnerability Can Help You Heal from Grief
Grief often often isolates us, making us want to retreat, to hide our emotions away. I’ve come to realise that part of healing is not just in reaching out to others, but also in the act of being open, being vulnerable. When you say, “I’m struggling right now,” to someone you trust, it’s an act of courage, not weakness. Allowing yourself to be supported when you’re at your lowest is not a sign of failure – it’s a sign of strength.
But there’s also something deeper here. Beyond seeking support from others, there’s a real need to learn to trust ourselves during grief. It’s easy to rely on others for reassurance, but sometimes, the most healing thing we can do is simply sit with ourselves. To feel the pain, to acknowledge it, and to trust that we have the strength to face it, even if it’s only in small doses at a time. In a way, learning to be with your grief is a way of learning to trust your own resilience.
7 Healthy Ways to Cope with Grief
Grief can feel overwhelming and unpredictable, and there’s no “right” way to process it. But there are some ways we can gently help ourselves through it. Here are a few ideas:
- Be with your feelings: Allow your emotions to surface without judgment. Sometimes the most important thing is just to feel what’s there, without trying to push it away, without trying to put it in a box and without trying to control it.
- Accept grief as part of your life: Grief doesn’t disappear. It shifts, it changes, and it becomes something we carry with us. Accepting it doesn’t mean resigning yourself to it—it means acknowledging it as part of the journey of your life.
- Trust yourself: You don’t need to have all the answers. Just trust that, in time, you will learn to navigate the ups and downs of grief. That doesn’t mean that in time you will forget. You will simply learn to rely on yourself to make it through, even when the path feels unclear.
- Talk to someone you trust: Sometimes, simply speaking the words out loud can help release some of the pain. Talking to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group can lighten the emotional burden. The NHS also provides information and resources on bereavement and grief that may help you feel less alone.
- Journaling: Try writing down your thoughts – it can be a comforting way to make sense of what you’re feeling. Find a special notebook or journal, one that’s just for you and the person you’re grieving. Write to them as if you’re having a conversation. Share your memories, your love, your anger, your regrets – whatever is on your heart. Write about how life feels without them. Let it be a space where you can be completely honest, a place where your emotions are safe.
- Stay active: Even something simple like a walk can help clear your mind and release some of the emotional weight.
- Create a ritual of remembrance: Honouring your loved one through small acts of remembrance can help you find moments of peace.
What Real Strength Looks Like When You're Grieving
If there’s one thing I want you to take from this, it’s this: Strength doesn’t have to look like what society tells you. You don’t have to hide your emotions or carry on as if nothing has happened. You also do not have to share them openly. Real strength comes from allowing yourself to feel, to grieve, to honour your pain. There’s no timeline for grief, no rulebook for how you should “be.” Just allow yourself to exist in the space you’re in, without judgement.
And remember, you’re not alone in this. If you need support, reach out. It’s okay to lean on others, and it’s also okay to lean on yourself. You have more strength in you than you may realise, not because you hide your emotions, but because you face them, with all the vulnerability and uncertainty that comes with grief.
